At my age I have had some doozy dreams, I recall the teen years with crushes like James Garner, or some other celebrity, (Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream, make him the cutest that I ever seen). Competition dreams. Treasure hunts. Many dreams where I was the hero, saving a bunch of school kids from a potential bomber. I was good, like Jason Bourne good, and better because no one thought a woman would do it. I like to think that even weird or bad dreams all have a purpose. Since when does anything about our nature not have a purpose!
Freud said we have three levels on consciousness; conscious, preconscious and unconscious. Some add supra-conscious. TM has 7 levels, some have 10. More than one reality exists (in Quantum Physics) -Google it- amazing stuff here my friends. I only know what I know until I know something different, which thank goodness happens all the time or I would die of boredom and repeat my mistakes.
So it makes sense to me that our dreams can be a benefit in many ways. Allows us some much needed freedom time, adventure and even a warning. I heard that if you dreamed the same dream three days in a row, to pay close attention, your subconscious was trying to get your attention in a big way. This trio occurrence happened once to me. I was desperately trying to hide and run away from a person I just recently met, it was scary. I was allowing him to stay with me while his apartment was getting a redo, and I finally told him to leave. I could see the rage in his eyes, he did not hurt me physically but he wanted to. It was loud and frightening. The next day I asked for help from God, the universe, to get him out of my life. By the time I got home from night school, their were FBI agents there to meet me and they had put him in jail. I was so grateful, they explained he was a sociopath, talented in deceit and con, in more than one state, my phone had been tapped, so they knew I was not involved in his plots, which was antique books by the way. In addition, a dear friend of mine called me that night and said he had three dreams of me looking "exposed and naked" and it felt like I was in harms way. I explained what happened and he was at my house four hours later comforting me. Again, forever, grateful. My sister called as well, she could not get me out of her dreams, and wanted to know what the hell was going on! I think when a deep love connection is there, communication know no bounds!
I saved a dream to use over and over when I can't sleep, most of the time it works, it puts me in my mountains, playing with a horse and her foal, running along the fence line, looking out at my cabin and my love comes driving up in the red truck. I can always smell those pines and that sense of peace.
I also find fascinating those really weird dreams. Recently, I am in sort of my old farmhouse, this one is much larger, and newly renovated, as I am explaining some of the work in progress to a few folks apparently here to celebrate this renovation. I leave to go outside on a wonderful sunny day, to see hundreds of people in our yard, even a charter bus, as I look for my hubby, who in his brown cattle coat, he waves me over. As I walk, we see a whirling white disk, with orange lights in the sky descending at a fast rate, many eyes are now tracking this object, which crashes to the ground over the tree line a mile or so away, sending dirt and smoke up into the air. Immediately five or cars, start to exit or are driving down the road towards it, looking to see where it landed. That's it. Cracks me up and probably has something to do with the constant work a farmhouse from the 1800's creates an my feeling towards it.
I get to see some of my favorite people in my dreams too. They are not on the planet anymore, but we still connect and and that is a help and source of strength for me. It is interesting that often dream reality is "not" part of the history I consciously had with them here. I guess we evolve in all realities.
So Mama Cass and I sing....Stars shining bright above you... night breezes seem to whisper I love you...Birds singin' in the sycamore tree...Dream a little dream of me.
Can I Do It
I needed a vacation, an escape from something I did not want to yet face. Working at a job and at my own business was wearing on me, my relationship was faltering. The Minnesota climate was not as endearing anymore. My friend offered to venture away with me to San Diego and we could meet up with one of her friends there. Then I would test myself by going five days on my own and see if I could feel safe enough to travel alone.
I recall her friend is fun and he enjoyed showing us around. Once again the Zoo there is amazing, I could stay petting dolphins for hours, and the flamingos, well that became a theme for her and I for years to come. We would send each other the same flamingo ceramic figure, back and forth, or if visiting, hide it to be found at a later date, plus holiday ornaments, purses, it was a crazy thing. I love her spirit.
I recall one day walking in a certain part of town and a powerful feeling of anxiety overcame me, and I literally had to turn around and say I don't want to walk down there, for no apparent reason. So we did not and the feeling left. Later this same year I learned my ex-hubby was living in San Diego, and well I knew my body or subconscious was reacting to being in the same vicinity. It is not that our marriage even ended badly emotionally for me, but the universe has chosen to not have us meet again face to face ever since we divorced, even though I have kept in touch with his parents for 40 years, and I know he is doing well. So anyway, it was odd.
I loved San Diego and my beautiful girlfriend and I had a grand time, but now it was time for me to try being on vacation alone, so I flew off to Albuquerque. Upon landing, I found a place to stay, unpacked and went to the lobby bar. I started to journal, and I seemed to have acquired an allergy because my eyes were watering terribly. In a few minutes two guys approached me and plopped down a pitcher of beer and said it looks like you need this more than we do. They thought with my teary eyes I was in the middle of writing some Dear John letter. I explained, and well the conversation went from there, and then next we were dining, then bowling and met up with more of their friends. It was a lovely day and evening. I had rented a car and was heading up to Santa Fe and obtained phone numbers so when I came back I could give them a call to gather again.
Santa Fe smells glorious, the pines the dirt, my soul is happy. I got a place to hang my hat, then wandered through so many galleries and sculpture venues. I found some trinkets to take home. I drove over to visit my childhood friend's father and his wife who lived near by for an afternoon, and was able to witness the joy of living in them both. So reassuring, I had always loved this man's kind heart. I enjoyed a night of music and exploring. The next day I drove to Ojo Caliente as I wanted to get a massage. It was a long drive and the last half of it on gravel, I was not sure I was even going the right way. Then the sign, and all alone a large building, with two cars.
It cost $18. First I went into a hot mineral bath from the spring there, then a massage, then a body wrap. I was limp, but after a few soothing moments, I became extremely hot, I rocked back and forth until I could free a hand, which I used to toss the towel off my head, relief then too hot again, so off came all the towels, then a frantic voice, I am so sorry we should have come here 15 minutes ago to free you. Here drink a gallon of water. Well I floated to my car, and drove to Albuquerque. Flopped into my room, called "the guys" and found out one of the guys had died in a hang gliding accident and the wake was tonight at their home, would I mind going.
I witnessed a beautiful scene, much different than the culture around wakes I had experienced before. His large portrait on the table surrounded by candles, his wife and small child greeting everyone with grief, love, gratefulness, and even laughter with the stories of his journey. The keg was out back, so many people, and I had forgotten not to drink alcohol after the four hour spa experience. I don't speak Spanish, but it sounded lovely, and my driver ever alert to my wobbliness and the late hour, helped me to my room. Even in sorrow kindness prevails.
I awoke to the realization I had committed to a horse back ride down by the Rio Grande and was being picked up in 10 minutes. Dear Lord, hungover and on horseback in the sun was challenging. After food was consumed I slept so soundly that I almost missed getting to the airport. Addresses were exchanged.
On the flight home I knew my life was changing, my wandering eye needed a new view in many ways. I was also very happy to feel that I could take a longer trip by myself, as all the people I had met were genuine, kind souls. I was good to go.
Testing the Waters
It has been a year since I last publicly shared a blog post. I stopped publishing words because I felt words were imploding my world and did not want to add to the fray. I read my last entry "Enough Tears" and it unfortunately still resonates. The melancholy has persisted even though at times I fought hard against it. I hear we have entered into the "collective COVID fatigue" phase, meaning just like a natural disaster, as you approach a year from that shock, if life has not "gotten pretty much back to normal" we anticipate the date with frustration and depressive emotions. I see a fever pitch of frustration from many angles, but not all.
Political everything, ugh. Dualistic thinking is so limiting, there are more than two options. Who will take our piece of the pie seems to be a big fear, IT IS GOD's Pie, end of story, you will die on this planet, but your soul lives on just like everyone else. Your soul chose your peeps for a reason, to love on them, learn from them, experience what you asked for. Read the Little Soul and the Sun for your own sake.
Perception is only your reality. History changes if you look at it from all sides. We all have our darkness, but we can choose to be a light anyway. The greater good is important, life has been improving across the planet for decades. There is no longer the developed and developing countries, but a range of how the planets countries have improved and they will continue to do so, as histories data proves.
I have found places to get good perspectives, to see a bigger picture. Read Factfullness by Hans Rosling. I have changed my mind because of them. I do not want to be associated with either political party. I hope we gain a true Independent Party to rival them both, that forsakes the blame game, and yet, I see goodness in the people in both parties too. I have been exposed to wonderful people who are a light and help me continue to grow, and I want to be a light.
So I have decided to share my adventures that helped me see and feel the good in humanity, the joy in being human. I am starting with stories from before my life on gravel, they helped me get here. My mother was a storyteller so it feels right to keep it flowing again.
More to come......and I do love you.
I have cried enough tears today, I want to stop, but still they come. In a moment, a look, a question, and up they pop. Big flowing drips down my cheeks. I think twelve hours of this is enough, and then I cry.
What is it about today? I woke up tearful, was there something in my dreams, my subconscious, propelling this stream of sadness. I cried for an emptiness I felt over and over today. I cried for feeling invisible. I cried because they did not hear what I said or meant. I cried that the washer leaked and I could not zip that file right, the ants are back. I cried that my child is suffering. I cried that we may lose the way of life that was his passion for so many years. I cried for those in power who can't get past their own greed, their own fears of not having enough. I cried because I am seeing so much false information and seeing so much truth.
It is too much. I can't hear another angry, accusatory, sarcastic word. I can't hear another round of praises. I can't hear we are all in this together, when I don't feel we are together enough. I miss the hugs and the eyes that twinkle. I miss everyone I love today. Then I said out loud, can you be any more dramatic? So I cry for my pitiful self, my needy self, my hopeful self, my woo woo self, my little self. And then I cry for you. For the song you sang, for the loss you bear, for the struggles I hear in your voice, for the battles we are trying to fight, for some justice, some common ground and sense. My heart breaks for the farmers and the animals that will not fulfill their purpose. I feel too many hearts breaking. I am both the darkness and the light in such rapid sound bytes, it hurts.
I needed to let the waterfall come and wash my conscious mind raw, so my soul could be seen laid bare on the rocks below, the stream flowing gently around it. I went to it and cried for the humanity I am part of but not from. It was ready as always to receive me with the loving kindness it is made of, and I cried in gratitude that it will sustain my voyage down this stream. I can't do this alone and I am not alone. You're on that pebble over there too. I can breathe easier, I am weary, my melancholy may last a bit longer, but I needed to cry for everyone and everything, it has cleansed my spirit. I have said this before, being Human is HARD.
There are not enough tears for this world, I hope you find yours and you let them flow. We deserve and need them all.
Food for Thought
I just attended two funerals in two days for elderly women who were part of our church family. I was worried a bit about how many would come considering the ban of groups more than 10 congregating during the virus outbreak. While there was an impact, no doubt, the biggest impact to me personally was how the stories affected me.
Maybe these are times when we need to get really personal, and not just fluff out the standard funeral protocol verbiage on a life, but I was drawn by the food memories being shared. I think our bodies have the ability to share it's memories with our brains. Food is of utmost importance to our bodies, and it relishes those who take such care to make it tasty, fill the home with warmth and aromas that literally make our mouths water. It leans in and wants to hug in gratitude.
So these stories of children talking about how their favorite meals made them feel special, loved, or when they saw the "can" of food come out of the cupboard they knew to find nourishment elsewhere that evening, made us laugh and recall our own memories. Some were surprised to learn that one lovely women really did not even like to cook, but she did so with love knowing it was necessary for her tribe. She did not just rise above it, she found a purpose in it, so the love would come through. Cookies were held to an even higher regard in their memory banks, sweets for the sweet. How it made a hard day feel easier. How it was their "favorite" and that they "knew" was made just for them. Person after person could tell you about the food, the gatherings that proffered it in abundance, how wonderful it made them feel.
The grandchildren, kept those stories coming too. One after the other, the chicken, or roast beef, those cookies, those pies, those bars, that red banana jello. One man's ugh is an others treasure. I kept thinking, it is the most basic of needs done with love that we all cling to, that make us feel special, cared for, loved. We develop traditions around the feeling certain foods add to the uniqueness of an event. To this day, I make my mother in-laws cinnamon rolls when my grown children gather or have a need, because it brings them comfort. How many times do I make a simple something because I can tell that person needs a little love.
In a world that can get you down with the fear and greed of many, companies needing more profit than personal connections, it helps for me to remember it is our "senses" that can bring us back to joy and miraculous love. Look at the rain drop, listen to the thunder, hug your circle, smell the bread baking or that new baby, and taste all that love. Right now, in a time like we have never experienced before, we do need to resist the stockpiling of goods so that all can keep having their basic needs met, they produce some of our most treasured memories.
We are blessed to be here, in this country, we have so much, and until the larger gatherings can once again be sanctioned, within your tribe, your small circle, make the basics count. Put on some of those good ol' tunes and bake up memories. I guarantee someone will fondly remember you for it.
Much love to you and yours.
In the Deep of My Night
I found this poem I wrote quite a few year ago, and recalled it when I saw a post on facebook from a person feeling the darkness, and I thought, I felt that way....so here you go my dear, many of us venture there from time to time. Hope exists and LOVE is the eternal flame keeping us going I believe. Being human, making the connections to our souls journey is challenging. Love to us all!
My fears become magnified as darkness descends
I think and I think and worry ascends
Am I alone, I cry out for help
Not a person can hear me in the deep of my night
I wonder where are they, hurt yet alive
Why can't they call, pray don't let them die
I can't believe they are gone, will no longer be seen
I miss them so much, it is so hard to breathe
I thought them a friend, and they broke my heart
Hurt feelings and anger, have torn me apart
My love betrayed after so many years
This heart wrenching pain sheds so many tears
The knot in my stomach, it won't go away
My senses acute, why do I have to pay
A sorrow so dark, one more day is too much
The pain needs to stop
Do all have these feelings? What's the purpose of strife?
The world keeps on moving, they don't see my plight
Spent and weary I am, inside my own head
At last I give up to the powers that be
Slowly peace starts to fill, I begin to feel free
Here is an answer, I know it is right
You just need to be you, and live in The light
Alone, I am not, on this earthly plane, One is right here beside me
Understanding my pain, we will journey together, as we have before
And this will continue forevermore
No judgement He renders, I have nothing to do
Dear Soul let it go, My Love shines through you
We create this together, the rise and the fall
I just needed to suffer, so I could recall
I am dumbfounded. I just witnessed an act of Love and it surprised me. I mean the kind that does not get angry but seeks to understand. I can't say that I can do this on a daily basis, but it sure it makes it easier to want to try when you witness it happen, so that is why I am sharing this with you. It makes no difference if you live on a country road or a city street, humans are humans.
So, this person was made aware of an awful situation, where youth naiveté and the need for connection combined with a married mid age person in need of connection, erupted into violence. In a very public, internet exposure kind of way. It morphed into legal arenas, and further public cruelty continuing to those involved by even some of the their own colleagues and peers. Horrific hate, and mental anguish putting lives at risk. And still the need for connection exists. No one does anything without a need to do it, no matter how big or small.
It was so painful, and being present in this time, lent itself to reflect upon how to stop the ongoing "unkindness" so they took action. They called a particular perpetrator (not a close acquaintance even) and simply asked them to stop continuing the hurtful actions, because it was unkind. Instead of replying back in anger when the perp started in about they "don't know" the whole story, they simply said, no one acts like this unless they too have hurt, so how can I help you. It stopped them, they did not understand. So they reiterated, to the perp, when you get the impulse to cause hurt again, you can call me, I will be here to listen to you and to help you in anyway I can, because these unkind actions need to stop for your own sake.
Wow. This is true Love, the love of humanity and our messed up selves, making mistakes and instead of being judged for them, offered a helping hand. Making a connection. You know in situations like this, there is betrayal, lies, damage is done, intentionally and unintentionally. It is very difficult sometimes to give yourself enough time to evaluate, acknowledge your own feelings about it, but then put it into the bigger picture perspective, and forgive it all. We all mess up, but we are loved too, even when we can't allow ourselves to feel it, IT IS THERE, THIS LOVE.
I am so grateful to have been a witness to this action. It gave me such hope, and filled me to the brim with how grace can work in the world. I have to thank everything I know for giving me this gift of witness. We all have pain and suffering in common. I can love more and I will.
Love all. Peace my dear ones.
In my life reading has been one heck of an adventure. Books, magazines, the internet, read, read and read some more. I can't help but love the feel of books, and books still hold the biggest bang for me.
I started young, reading Dick and Jane, now an antique, then every Nancy Drew mystery book published in my local library. It was a two mile trek, often through the wooded path behind the new houses and school. I had a few ways I could bicycle the two miles to get there, and back in those days, you were free all day long pretty much to make the journey. They also had a wonderful thing called air conditioning, so timing on some days was crucial to get maximum comfort. The librarians I don't recall at all, just the books, tables, smells and the cubby I would settle into and read.
When the library was closed I had my swamp cubby. I would go off the dirt path from the woods crawl under a majestic pine tree, whose branches reached the ground, concealing you from anyone who might wander past. Four inches of soft pine needles often lulled me into sleep, along with the dragonflies who could always sense something was "there" under that tree. I can recall staring into the eyes of a beautiful blue/green metallic winged giant one day, until a dream took me too a land far away. It was one of the most magical places I will ever know.
Books are so good for us. They enlarge our world, they let us escape the drudgery, they enlighten, they let us sob and laugh right out loud. There are so many of them to choose from, it is simply amazing to me this many people can just make things up for thousands of pages. There is a vast amount of creativity in our universe. It just dazzles your eye going into a book store, so easy to connect with people inside, you almost have to sit and have coffee with them.
One ginormous benefit of my love of reading is the "book club" I have been a part of for the past ten years. The dirty dozen, they will giggle at that! Once a month we hang at one our homes, eat and drink together, discuss the book, yes we do, but we get real with each other during this time. Books became a venue for creating a new tribe that will support my sorry ass through life itself! Who ever knew it would come to that. Every month I am grateful to be able to unburden myself to a group who will simply hold me up and I learn things from them, very helpful! Go try it.
I love too that now I can share my book favorites with my kids and my friends kids. Then, when they love them, I get so excited because we can discuss! See inter-generational dialogue can happen at a deeper level, so interesting to gain their perspectives. You can find out a great deal about a person by looking at the books they read. Recently a relative that passed had literally thousands of books and magazines in her home, so besides being a bit of a book hoarder, she loved the classics, old leathery bound history, textbooks, cooking, quilting, sewing and gardening, I never saw a quilt made by her hands, but she really loved books on them. First signed editions were part of her repertoire as well, that is pure book adoration. Now I want to read all those too. Fascinating!
I can hear Yoda say Love me some books do I. So Please....be like Yoda....Go Read
The Struggle is Real
Time does not stand still, even when you want it to so badly because you hurt. You need time to sort through grief, pain and shock. You want others to "see" you and comfort you. The struggle happens but does not have to remain. Here is a eulogy I read last Sunday for one of my beloved ones.
An earthly life always provides us, as individuals, a chance to feel and learn something meaningful from them. Her life did that for us and we are better for it.
So, we are sharing some personal info about us. Because love and hurt intertwine. It's a reality we all live in from time to time. When we choose to not “burden” others, we don’t get the communion we could, to thrive, together. We had conversations, to help lessen her load, but the wheels had been in those ruts so long, they could not change course. We are grateful the burden she carried here on earth is gone. We pray you felt her love and can learn a lesson from her life, as we have.
First lesson, forgive yourself, you are going to screw up, supposed to screw up, so you get the opportunity to grow from it “with” your people. Forgiveness is key and it is an inside job
Second, let your messy honest feeling out, and come what may. You deserve to be heard, and realize in truth, in our deepest of hearts, we are the same, the fear of judgement looms in all of us, but it prevents us from the gloriousness of unconditional love from me to you and you to me. Get real, become unburdened and feel the love of a tribe who will lift you up in all ways.
Part of the chaos we humans live in, for some, it is too much to deal with. Thankfully today, we realize "Emotional healing" is a whole different set of programming. It is part of what your human family is for, they trigger us, yet also give us a multitude of opportunities to share and grow. Our own earthly journey's end is upon us. The biggest fear and adventure are being vulnerable to each other. It may not be the fluff we pass in social media, but it is hoping to be heard and loved regardless. It will be uncomfortable, but no burden is worth carrying alone. Simply put share ALL of you.
She loved and was loved. She was intelligent, graduated from a prestigious college, had a career with the Iowa and Hawaii State Bar Association, and was very proud of her work. She loved to travel, when her health allowed, cook interesting things, (banana meatloaf?!), she was a master seamstress, who loved to sew for anyone, and she loved her thousand upon thousands of books! Her garden was magical. Her time in choir was beloved by her as was her church family. I know many were surprised to learn that She did not want the normal funeral arrangements. Her internal struggles with the fear of not being enough or being judged influenced that decision. Yet at the end, we all “knew” what needed to be known and loved each other.
I am sharing from the book “How Shall I Live Knowing I will Die “by Wayne Muller. " In the Christian new testament, the phrase “Be not afraid” is used more than any other. It is useful to recall that the people writing the gospels were being persecuted, arrested, tortured, and murdered. Clearly, they could not possibly have meant, be not afraid-because nothing harmful will ever come to you. Rather, they counseled us to remember always that whatever sorrow or grief, illness or harm is given us, there is within us a tangible presence, a spirit of God that will bear us up, hold us, and keep us strong. Regardless of how we are hurt, our divine nature will help us bear the weight of it".
We love Her, are so grateful for what she could give us and is still giving us as we grow in THIS love together. Love to you all, Love to our imperfect, beautiful, challenging and yet loving family. Contrary to common belief, you can overshare all you want 😊
Self worth is such a fragile thing and can create absolute havoc on your relationships with everything and everyone.
I have only met two individuals in my lifetime, that I have had enough experience around to say they really do have their shit together, because their actions reflect exactly how their thoughts are, loving and kind, and both are here to help others do the same. Thank God for them both.
In the meantime we witness the struggles, and recently I had the experience of a full blown expose' of a person's existence that perplexed and saddened many. To her friend's she was an upstanding Christian, intelligent, very loving and helpful. To her family she was sometimes that, but normally frustrating, judgemental and elusive. She chose not to spend time with her family much, and there was a myriad of excuses for that, poor health was most often used, or unavailable, without the normal details of what that meant. I remember knowing in my gut something was off years ago. I decided to gently acknowledge my beliefs about what was happening, in hopes of having a real conversation, and maybe get the kind of relationship I wanted. I even offered to pay for counseling, which was accepted but only needed once, as there was nothing wrong she needed to go back for. OK, struck out there.
Over time, I realized it was not going to get better, so I did what I could when I was in the right mind to do so, I did have to share my frustration at times with my tribe, because it hurt, but eventually I got better, and could see how stuck she really was, she simply could get past her fear of being judged for what she perceived as a failures on her part. I know we sit here and say we humans make mistakes all the time, but for some they can't forgive themselves.
The secrets were many, based on her perceived failures; normal childhood family, marriage, protecting her children, career aspirations, second love, financial struggle. The pain and fear were deep, and led to lies and it became necessary to keep family at a distance than have it all exposed. The wonderful things she could do for others, she may have wished she could for her own family, and it probably helped feel worthy and not in total despair, and that is OK. There is a difference for many in that friend's are not family, with the burden of history and assumed future reliance.
It is layer upon layer of experiences that created that worth or lack there of, and it takes time to deconstruct, to listen, explore and be truly supportive with our resources. Can that change the outcome? Intellectually, we think everyone has those failures to some degree, it is part of growing up, part of the chaos we humans live in, but for some it is too much to deal with. Look around, by now we all should realize "Emotional healing" is a whole different set of programs. Be nice if we had a colonoscopy for mental health. Maybe that is what your family is for, they seem to trigger emotional responses rather quickly, giving us a multitude of opportunities to find out why. There is a heavy energy around secrets and untruths that can be dealt with right here and now, why not lighten that weary load.
So how do we process all this, when our loved one's "stuff" gets exposed? We grieve with them or in this case, for the loss of "them", within our own hurt we look for understanding and forgive them, even be grateful for the freedom of leaving all that pain behind, and hope the lesson, for the time spent conscious in this realm, even at the last breath, was realized. Maybe her story was to help us realize what should be different in our own life, and therein lies an offering for us to be vulnerable, open to change and act in loving kindness, and not fear, as we move to our own journey's end here.
Mi casa es tu casa, as we are all in this together on this planet. Hope blossoms, love flourishes with our capacity to be who we each uniquely are, warts and all. You are so worth the exploration, so deserving of knowing the love you are and that we all are. Look into each others eyes and share. It may not be the fluff we pass in social media, but it is the rest of the story, hoping to be heard and loved regardless. My love to you.
Life on Gravel
About the Author
City girl sharing stories of a life full of country glitter and other shit.