Alone-ness

 I spend more time alone than anticipated.  Not because people are bat shit crazy around me either.  But they are there, and in numbers.  It didn't occur to me how much time I would spend alone in the countryside and that I am also in this "stage" of I don't know what in life. I contemplate, I say shit out loud a lot, (hope this has not sneaked out in my professional work space, but can't say for sure). Some days I look at people and think, wow, this is humanity now, we will perish soon.  600,000 are born a day only 300,00 die a day, the math is alarming and apparently nature will need to step in, since we can't collectively even discuss much less decide to not keep plopping down this many humans on the planet.  Am I recycling enough, not sending bad plastic to the ocean, can we get off the grid...it hurts my brain. 

My cattleman works day and evenings except for a handful of weeks a year, caring for the  herd and all its accoutrements .  Good help is hard to find, so he enjoys his time alone, but as he has aged he is actually becoming more social.  I am getting too hot sleeping at night, while he is too cold now.  Apparently nature feels the need to switch things up and toss us new challenges to keep things interesting.

I have found alone time a weird journey.  I work full time, but needed to step up the pace, to take care of this lifestyle, so I have a lot of empathy for you single parents.  (My hubby was ill for a number of years, so was not able to do more). But being self employed in agriculture, there is a need for spouses health insurance benefits and steady paychecks.  We may look good on paper, as the saying goes, and the term "cash poor" I now fully understand.  When your income comes only a few days a year, it is not easy when things go bump in the night.   Spouses often need to be on call to help out too.  It took me a many years to not call him a few hours after dark asking if he was OK. Hey, I was a city girl, what if his tractor is in the ditch, or he got head butted by a cow!  He laughs.  I had a lot of worries at first, now I just don't want to be that woman in the paper whose husband froze to death, outside their back door, after slipping on ice and was not found till the next day.  I gave up shoveling at every snow long ago, but  my phone is by my bedside, in case he is still alert enough to call me.

When the kids were small it was a bit easier be social, inviting families out, we could all hang out together, play dominoes, but as kids grew, their friends tastes for Xbox came into play, and we had none of that cool stuff.  We were a "king of the hill and scavenger hunt" place, more suited to little's.  So then, the kids were gone more too. 

Night life is curbed.  (Not that we/I don't give it a good wallop every once in a while). After a time, friends sort of stop asking you to do things and I don't blame them, I get it.  I gravitate towards those people who live this country life.  You have to commiserate with someone about all this, which we do at weddings and funerals and church mostly, cause those things we all do try to show up for, more often than not, without our spouses.  It did surprise me how much time I would not see my husband awake. For his 40th birthday, I put up a poster of pictures taken of him sleeping in many, MANY various places, it was a good hazing, and probably a bit of a subliminal message coming at him. 

I am now more relaxed with my time alone.  I have needed therapy from time to time, because it is really hard to go with the flow, until it isn't.  (I learned this from a certain lady full of joy that I know).  Personally I think everyone I have ever met could use therapy, it is very beneficial.  After all, at the end of that day, it is just you and the universe taking the next adventure up a notch.

So alone time has been curse at times and a blessing overall. In the quiet I hear the breeze, the creekings of an old home, and my heart, once I tell my monkey mind to shut up.  I want to be a better human. I can honestly say, I have experienced in prayer, moments of intense Godly love, and it propels me to love all the people throughout my life, and wish them all the very best....so there is that!