I have cried enough tears today, I want to stop, but still they come. In a moment, a look, a question, and up they pop. Big flowing drips down my cheeks. I think twelve hours of this is enough, and then I cry.
What is it about today? I woke up tearful, was there something in my dreams, my subconscious, propelling this stream of sadness. I cried for an emptiness I felt over and over today. I cried for feeling invisible. I cried because they did not hear what I said or meant. I cried that the washer leaked and I could not zip that file right, the ants are back. I cried that my child is suffering. I cried that we may lose the way of life that was his passion for so many years. I cried for those in power who can't get past their own greed, their own fears of not having enough. I cried because I am seeing so much false information and seeing so much truth.
It is too much. I can't hear another angry, accusatory, sarcastic word. I can't hear another round of praises. I can't hear we are all in this together, when I don't feel we are together enough. I miss the hugs and the eyes that twinkle. I miss everyone I love today. Then I said out loud, can you be any more dramatic? So I cry for my pitiful self, my needy self, my hopeful self, my woo woo self, my little self. And then I cry for you. For the song you sang, for the loss you bear, for the struggles I hear in your voice, for the battles we are trying to fight, for some justice, some common ground and sense. My heart breaks for the farmers and the animals that will not fulfill their purpose. I feel too many hearts breaking. I am both the darkness and the light in such rapid sound bytes, it hurts.
I needed to let the waterfall come and wash my conscious mind raw, so my soul could be seen laid bare on the rocks below, the stream flowing gently around it. I went to it and cried for the humanity I am part of but not from. It was ready as always to receive me with the loving kindness it is made of, and I cried in gratitude that it will sustain my voyage down this stream. I can't do this alone and I am not alone. You're on that pebble over there too. I can breathe easier, I am weary, my melancholy may last a bit longer, but I needed to cry for everyone and everything, it has cleansed my spirit. I have said this before, being Human is HARD.
There are not enough tears for this world, I hope you find yours and you let them flow. We deserve and need them all.
4/21/2020 10:50:14 am
Beautifully written Denise.
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Life on Gravel
About the Author
City girl sharing stories of a life full of country glitter and other shit.