Self worth is such a fragile thing and can create absolute havoc on your relationships with everything and everyone.
I have only met two individuals in my lifetime, that I have had enough experience around to say they really do have their shit together, because their actions reflect exactly how their thoughts are, loving and kind, and both are here to help others do the same. Thank God for them both.
In the meantime we witness the struggles, and recently I had the experience of a full blown expose' of a person's existence that perplexed and saddened many. To her friend's she was an upstanding Christian, intelligent, very loving and helpful. To her family she was sometimes that, but normally frustrating, judgemental and elusive. She chose not to spend time with her family much, and there was a myriad of excuses for that, poor health was most often used, or unavailable, without the normal details of what that meant. I remember knowing in my gut something was off years ago. I decided to gently acknowledge my beliefs about what was happening, in hopes of having a real conversation, and maybe get the kind of relationship I wanted. I even offered to pay for counseling, which was accepted but only needed once, as there was nothing wrong she needed to go back for. OK, struck out there.
Over time, I realized it was not going to get better, so I did what I could when I was in the right mind to do so, I did have to share my frustration at times with my tribe, because it hurt, but eventually I got better, and could see how stuck she really was, she simply could get past her fear of being judged for what she perceived as a failures on her part. I know we sit here and say we humans make mistakes all the time, but for some they can't forgive themselves.
The secrets were many, based on her perceived failures; normal childhood family, marriage, protecting her children, career aspirations, second love, financial struggle. The pain and fear were deep, and led to lies and it became necessary to keep family at a distance than have it all exposed. The wonderful things she could do for others, she may have wished she could for her own family, and it probably helped feel worthy and not in total despair, and that is OK. There is a difference for many in that friend's are not family, with the burden of history and assumed future reliance.
It is layer upon layer of experiences that created that worth or lack there of, and it takes time to deconstruct, to listen, explore and be truly supportive with our resources. Can that change the outcome? Intellectually, we think everyone has those failures to some degree, it is part of growing up, part of the chaos we humans live in, but for some it is too much to deal with. Look around, by now we all should realize "Emotional healing" is a whole different set of programs. Be nice if we had a colonoscopy for mental health. Maybe that is what your family is for, they seem to trigger emotional responses rather quickly, giving us a multitude of opportunities to find out why. There is a heavy energy around secrets and untruths that can be dealt with right here and now, why not lighten that weary load.
So how do we process all this, when our loved one's "stuff" gets exposed? We grieve with them or in this case, for the loss of "them", within our own hurt we look for understanding and forgive them, even be grateful for the freedom of leaving all that pain behind, and hope the lesson, for the time spent conscious in this realm, even at the last breath, was realized. Maybe her story was to help us realize what should be different in our own life, and therein lies an offering for us to be vulnerable, open to change and act in loving kindness, and not fear, as we move to our own journey's end here.
Mi casa es tu casa, as we are all in this together on this planet. Hope blossoms, love flourishes with our capacity to be who we each uniquely are, warts and all. You are so worth the exploration, so deserving of knowing the love you are and that we all are. Look into each others eyes and share. It may not be the fluff we pass in social media, but it is the rest of the story, hoping to be heard and loved regardless. My love to you.
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Life on Gravel
About the Author
City girl sharing stories of a life full of country glitter and other shit.